Friend Farmers: 3 Tools for Helping Kids Make and Keep New Friends

Peek into a kid’s backpack, and you’ll probably see a lot of things. Some things that make you happy (sharp new pencils, adorable lunch kits), some that cause consternation (that flashlight you’ve been looking for), and some you wish you’d never seen (unrecognizable nuggets of food).

Then there are all of the intangible things we try to send along with our kids as they head off to school: kindness, social skills, and listening skills. We send the lunches and the manners and the pencils and the coaching with big hope. Hope for success, hope for community, hope for friendship. The first months of school (and truly, every month of the school year) are a great time to introduce (or re-introduce) kids to some easy-to-remember friendship tools that they can pop in their backpack, use to cultivate new friends, and sprout community. These tools will help your kids become skilled and confident Friend Farmers, people who know how to plant the seeds of friendship and help them grow.

Unlike notebooks and binders, these tools are light as a feather and impossible to lose! Your child will likely need some tools more than others, and there will surely be more you’d like to add to their list, but here are three of the most useful ones:

1.  The Face (or Smiles + Eyeballs)

Smiles are easy, contagious, and they bring on the sunshine! Smiles can be seeds of friendship: a way to let someone know that you’d like to know them, a step along the way to “Hello.” Eye contact (or as I like to say to my kids “Eyeballs!”) is another important way to let someone know that you’d like to connect. Smiles and eyeballs send a message to others that you see them and you are friendly and open to them.

2.  Patience

Waiting for friendships to grow can be very frustrating for kids — particularly those starting at a new school. Staying positive while they are waiting for new friendships and communities to bloom can also be difficult. Let your child know that a friendship takes time to grow (just like them!). Remind them that all of their current friends were once strangers who they have gotten to know over time. Encourage them to notice and list any small steps along the way to friendship that have made them happy each day.

3.  Openness

Remind your child to keep their hearts and eyes open, and leave space in their garden for new ‘buds’, and unexpected friends. Some friendships sprout quickly, but don’t last, while others sprout very slowly over time and remain strong. Encourage your child to look beyond the surface for friends who not only share their interests, but who are kind and enjoyable to spend time with. Remind them that a good friend will truly make things brighter.

Sara Gillingham (How to Grow a Friend and How to Mend a Heart) is an award-winning art director and designer who has helped publish many bestselling books for children. Sara is the co-creator of the In My… series for Chronicle Books and illustrates the Empowerment series of board books for Abrams Appleseed. She lives with her family in British Columbia, Canada, and works from a studio filled with paper, tape, and glue. Find out more about Sara’s studio at saragillingham.com, on Twitter at @SaraGStudio, or on Instagram at @saragillinghamstudio.