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Tween

How To Help Your Kids Make New Friends

by Jennie Allen

A few years ago, my family and I moved two hundred miles to a new town. It was like our lives had turned upside down! My four kids were nervous, as was I. They all needed friends, tutors, mentors — people to call their own. I did, too.

In that season, my husband, kids, and I all experienced the ache of loneliness in our own ways. We all wished so hard to be known, seen, and accepted, but at first, we didn’t feel like we were. We felt alone.

One of the best ways to relieve loneliness – for ourselves and our kids – is to make a friend. But people ask me all the time how to do that and how to help their kids do it, too. Here are my tried-and-true tips for kids — what I call the “Making Friends Toolbox:”

  • Talk about it. Sit down together and brainstorm. Search together for ways to get involved, volunteer, meet kids, and expand your friend group. Support your kids’ ideas and help them along the way.
  • Join a club or class. Encourage your child to start a new habit that involves others. This could be a sports team, a service club, an art class, a theater club, a choir or orchestra, or any group activity related to their interests. They’ll automatically have things to talk about with people! You can help them by looking up who else is doing something they enjoy in your area.
  • Go first. We’re all just waiting for people to come to us. Sometimes this happens, but a lot of times we must go first and be the kind of friends we want to have. If your kid wants better friends or feels left out, encourage them to go first and break the ice. If your kid isn’t sure where to start, here are a few practical steps to try. (Remind them that going first can be awkward, and that’s okay!)
  • Pick someone. Ask your kid to think of someone they’d like to know better. Someone who seems friendly, open, and willing to talk. Someone interesting. Or even someone new or who doesn’t know as many people.
  • Find an opportunity. Help your kids figure out how and when to see them. Will it be in class, at sports practice, or at a club they’ve joined? Your kid can look out for them there.
  • Strike up a conversation. Encourage your child to start with something they notice about them, encourage them, or compliment them. Maybe they’ve noticed something they do that’s special – your child should say so! Try, “Nice job in practice today! How’d you get so good?”
  • Ask questions. Kids can encourage people to relax and open up by asking fun questions. Ideas could be, “If you could be an animal, what animal would you be?” or “If you could have a superpower, what would it be?”
  • Invite them. Challenge your child to ask someone to sit with them at lunch, play catch, hit the basketball court together, or join them for something they already have planned.

Making new friends is a trial-and-error process for adults and kids alike. But as our kids try and try again, they’ll grow. Encourage them not to quit, initiate, go first, and never be afraid to talk to you about their loneliness. They can find their people!

Adapted from You Are Not Alone. Copyright © 2024 by Jennie Allen. Published by WaterBrook, an imprint of Penguin Random House, LLC.